I was writing a thank-you note to a friend this morning when I realized that there are periods of time when my blind eyes so need to be opened. When I am very lucky, this happens softly, gently, and oh-so-sweetly. It always comes in the arms of Love. Today I know myself to be the luckiest of beings.
I have spent all of this holiday season in the darkness of focusing on that which I have lost; the people who are gone from my life, and the joyful past occasions which will never happen again. Let me tell you from experience that the only result of this kind of madness in thinking is I make myself both miserable, and blind to all the good that tries to brighten my life and heart in the present. It is especially the unexpected which reaches in and lights a spark in the dark place of feeling sorry for myself, but the joy of that is then I am finally able to look around and see all the beauty that comes in every other form, in every other moment, too.
I receive welcome and love, and yes, even presents. Concern and phone calls and time doing fun things, like gatherings and parties, meals shared, texts sent and received, even the touch of the warm sun as I step outside, chip away at that armor of black paint I put over my soul. It is not easy to acknowledge or admit that perhaps I am one of those people who might prefer the struggle of darkness, with its resultant loneliness and sorrow, than the sweet balm of another’s hug or warm voice embracing me. It is only when that façade of my thinking fractures that I realize my own folly.
Today, for me, I am so profoundly moved by the idea conveyed by the saying, “It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.” That light, no matter how tiny, changes everything. I think I am safer in the darkness, perhaps, than to open to call of the light and the wonder of moving through the world differently. Please forgive me my ignorance. Thank you so much for your Love.
In this season of celebrating the birth of Jesus, “the Light of the World,” whether you are Christian or not, the presence of a moment of light paints a picture so freeing and glorious I am truly humbled.
Yesterday, Christmas day, I had the great joy and honor of cooking and serving and being with not only my own most precious children, but my daughter’s boyfriend and his siblings and young nephew. There was no one else remotely close to my age. No friend or family member from my generation. I could have used that to feel sorry for myself. Fortunately that was not the case.
My heart could feel such lightness as I thought about how time moves on and I get to move on, too. The youth and camaraderie of all those people made room for me, a relative stranger in their midst. My daughter and son generously shared their own time and love. This was not mere sentiment filling my home, but a sweet touch of that which is truly Divine. Even the closing minutes with the arrival of my son’s friend, come to take him away and give the others an excuse to leave, felt welcoming, not cold. Attitude is everything, I realized once again.
This morning I asked for the eyes to continue to see all that is given me in each day. To all my many friends, too numerous to name individually, know that today my being is filled with the light of your generosity, your caring, your acknowledgement of me in all my flaws and perfections alike, and most especially for the freedom to truly be me. To all my precious family members, past, present, and those to come, know that today I look forward to each moment.
Today I am blessed with a grateful heart.